Hello everyone, and welcome to my quirky corner!
Normally I would be jumping off to a big start with a lot of excitement, but today as you can probably tell I want to address some things that don’t really call for excitement.
For a good while now I have been facing a lot of struggles, and I have hinted at what is going on here and there on my posts. However, for the most part, I have remained vague. In today’s post, I want to open up more about what I have been going through for a couple different reasons. One reason is to help all you understand why I have random absences from my blog. The other reason is to hopefully help some of you that may be going through the same thing or something similar.
This post is certainly on the sad side of things, but it is also my reality. It has recently come to my attention how “perfect” my life seems to be through my social media accounts, and I want to explain how there is so much darkness behind those few photos. There is a difference between seeing a glimpse of a life, and seeing the whole panoramic view of it. So today I just want to share my thoughts, and hopefully, this can be helpful to someone else out there.
Struggling With an Invisible Illness
So just to make it clear, I am not looking for sympathy in any of this. I am simply looking to explain what I am going through, and hoping to reach out to others that are struggling as well.
So one of the very biggest things that I struggle with on a day to day basis is having illnesses that strongly affect my life, but that no one can see. When you are sick but physically look fine it is very hard to find anyone to understand what you are going through. You hear all the time that it’s all in your head, you just need to drink water, exercise, eat better, seeking attention, etc. the list goes on and on for so long. It is mentally draining on top of how drained you already are from all your existing symptoms that do indeed exist.
I have been diagnosed with anxiety, fibromyalgia, and chronic migraines. For so long my struggle was I just wanted answers for what was going on with me, and I swore that once I got answers things would go back to normal. The problem is that I got my answers, and nothing went back to normal. My best feeling day is still a crappy day. I don’t know what it is like to truly feel good anymore. I am in pain every day of my life. I can’t do the same things I used to do, and I don’t feel like myself. On many days I feel like I am defined by my illness because it defines how I live my life.
Living with an illness that you know will never go away changes you. I have had to learn to listen to my body. When my body has had enough for the day I can’t push it to do more I have to listen and let it rest. So often I flake on plans or I don’t get a blog post put up because my plans don’t get accomplished. It is so frustrating to an overachiever like myself to have to learn to accept that you won’t get things done that need to be done. I know that it is inevitable that I will let myself and others down due to my illness. It’s not a cop out, it is a simple truth. I now have limits that I can’t surpass.
If you’re going through something like this you are not alone, and I know how frustrating it is. In the beginning, you think that answers will bring you comfort, but knowing what is wrong doesn’t always bring comfort. Unfortunately, once you have answers you still have to learn to cope with a whole new way of life. Some days are easier to deal with than others, and on the worst days finding things like this to read or others to talk to was the best way to help me through it. It’s a daily battle that never goes away. It is exhausting both physically and mentally. And you can’t deal with it without support from somewhere.
This has been one of my biggest hang-ups. When I have bad days I can’t write a post or take pictures for one. So I end up getting behind on content. On my rare “good” days I take as many photos as I can to try to have things ready. However, it doesn’t always work out. So there is a lot of time that I don’t get posts up when I needed too. Then some see my social media and think well she looks perfect so she must be making up excuses! The truth is that almost all the photos I post of myself have been previously taken on a good day, not the day they actually get posted. Not to mention I can take a photo right now cause I am feeling okay, and within an hour I may be in miserable pain. That is life with a chronic illness.
Dealing with Depression and Anxiety
Another thing I deal with a lot is depression and anxiety. I have been an anxious person for as long as I can remember back into my childhood, and depression started in my early teens. So it’s not like these two things are new battles for me, but nevertheless, they are battles I am tired of fighting.
However, if you are like me and have dealt with them for the long term then you know that they are a lifelong battle. Once you feel depressed or anxious you are always at risk to feel it again. So some days I am completely fine, and then other days I have people asking me what is weighing on me so much. Truthfully, I don’t always have an answer either. I notice my change in mood and I know I feel something weighing down on me, but I can’t always figure out exactly what is causing it.
Regardless of whether I know why my mood has dropped to a low point or not it still causes a lack of motivation, lack of care, and a total loss of interest. I love to sit down and write content for my blog. It is honestly one of my favorite things to do, but when I get depressed it is impossible to write. I have tried to do it, but I refuse to post what I come up with because it is painfully obvious that I don’t care about what I am writing. Why would anyone want to read that? I would never do that to my readers, I appreciate you all way too much.
Today, I am in one of those low moods. I do know the exact reason why which I will not talk about here because it is not just my business it is also someone else’s and I will not put them on blast for people to read out of respect. So there was no way I could do a book review or an unboxing because I would need to be excited, and I could not do that today. Therefore, had I decided to not share about my recent struggles there would still be no new post on my page.
I just can’t fake it anymore. I am struggling. I am hurting. And I have no one to lean on at the moment. I just can’t jump on here and pretend that life is great. I feel lost in a darkness, and it feels like no one would really notice if I made it out or not.
Thank you so much for spending part of your valuable time in my quirky corner! Sorry that today’s post was a lot sadder than usual. I do have some very exciting content coming for you, but I just have to wait for one of those “good” days to come around first. I appreciate everyone for sticking around with me through all my struggles, and if you are ever struggling feel free to leave me a comment or message me privately on social media if you need to talk!