Welcome back to my quirky corner of the web! Man oh man has life been challenging as of late. Home life has been flipped upside down, work is crazy, and my health is going down hill fast. I have missed sitting here just typing to my readers, but it hasn’t been possible for so many different reasons. I do so apologize for my disappearance. However, here I am back to hit you with a bit of a heavier subject.
This one has been on my mind for awhile, and at the surface I feel alone in this problem. However, the logical side of my brain tells me that somewhere in the billions of other people in this world there is another like me with this exact problem. My logical side and honestly my emotional side also tells me that maybe by putting this out there I may just reach one of those people to not only comfort myself, but to help them as well. I mean that is the point of these real chats, to help other people. So here goes, let me put my soul out there.
My whole life it has been incredibly scary how easily I can cut people out of my life. This isn’t just a problem I have right now, but one that has haunted me for as long as I my memory goes on. You can be in my life today, and then snip snip bitches you’re cut out tomorrow with ease. This effects my friendships or should I say lack of because every time there is a problem or a friendship just isn’t jiving smoothly I cut it out. I end it right then with no explanation or questioning. It is just done in a snap. It is far easier for me to cut people out of my life than it is for me to talk to them about a problem so we can work it out.
I have ended countless friendships because we hit a point where something was wrong, and instead of talking it out I just stopped talking. I have also never had to this day a friend that questioned it, and tried to reason with me or get me to talk rather than end the friendship. Not that I think they should. I am not that full of myself, and I don’t think anyone should ever try to convince another to stay in their life. However, I do find it interesting how easily people will let you let go. As easily as I walked is as easily as people have always allowed me too, so truthfully I didn’t mean much anyway right?
Anyway, the point is I have always done this, and at this point in life I don’t know how to change that part of myself. Being able to cut people out has its benefits, but it shouldn’t be quite this easy. At this point it has earned me the status of zero friendships. People will say I am their acquaintance, their coworker, someone they know, someone they hate, etc., but no one on this planet will call me their friend. Now for the most part I don’t mind solitude or doing things by myself. Theoretically no one needs friends. I am social at work, but in my personal life I’m on my own. The times that wears me thin is times like recent when home life got flipped upside down, and I had no one to call or a moment of excitement that can’t be shared.
So my thoughts on putting this out into the universe is to reach those similar to me. If you to push people away more than you let them in what is your game plan? Are you trying to change it or embrace it? I personally think that while I love my solitude I would eventually like to be able to let people in without soon cutting them back out. I by no means want a large circle because that is not and will not ever be the type of person that I am. However, I think having someone to call when life is upsetting or exciting could be beneficial. The problem is learning how to change when you have no idea how to fix something that is so much a part of you.
I know this blog is just rambles, but I needed to get my thoughts out into the universe. I’m a big believer that what you put out into the universe the universe will help you sort out. So this is my attempt to sort out a lifelong problem that as I mentioned I feel like I am the only one who has, but logically know that somewhere someone can relate.
So I hope today’s real talk isn’t to much rambles for you. Thank you so much for anyone that reads this, and to anyone that stands by my blog through all its hardships. I see your names consistanly pop up and it truly means a lot. So until next time which will hopefully be real soon I hope you guys and gals have a great day!