Welcome back to my quirky corner of the web! You may be wondering where I’ve been, or if I even plan to keep this blog going. Well today I am here to answer those questions, as well as, shed some light on things I’ve been keeping hidden. So I hope you will follow along with me, and give me a chance to speak my truth. Here it goes…
It is pretty obvious that my posts have been sporadic and at times just completely lacking. The reason is because I’ve been lying about my life for months. The few times I did post a blog it didn’t feel real because I was indeed putting on a show. So then that lead me to being totally uninspired to blog at all. Hence the craziness of my content in the past months.
I was all for writing about how I was living my best life, and that I was making these great changes in life. However, that isn’t exactly what was happening. I was putting on a show, and not just for people, but for myself as well. I thought all I needed to do was pretend life was grand, and then it suddenly would be. So I was faking it. I pretended to be happy and to live my best life.
The hard core truth is that I don’t even know who I am right now. For the past six months I have been depressed, lost, and at times suicidal. Take me back a year ago, and then I was closer to living my best life. But the last six months or so all I’ve done is binge watch Netflix, sleep, and repeat. I have been in a very dark place. Something happened in my life that shook me to my core, and I am not going to discuss that here as it is a private matter to only be discussed between myself and the other involved. However, it really is what lead me to be where I am right now.
I wanted to be okay. I wanted the pain to go away, but truthfully it never has. If anything my months of denying myself and my readers the truth only made that pain burn brighter. I thought I needed to project strength even if it was fake. However, I know that doesn’t help anyone including myself. Perhaps one of you is also facing a depression my story could help if I told it correctly. I don’t want to pretend like life is perfect anymore because it’s not. Life is a giant chaotic mess, and from now on if I’m having a shit day I want to say I’m having a shit day.
I turned my back on blogging because I felt that nothing in life mattered anymore. I don’t have any friends to rely on right now in life because I just don’t have someone I can trust in my life. I lost one of the most important people in my life. I have honestly felt completely alone the past six months. I gave up just about everything that made me, well me. I turned to laying around in bed every minute I wasn’t at work, and I completely tossed in the towel on effort at work. And I will tell you right now I am still not myself.
I’d like to think that today is a good start. Writing this blog perhaps can be the step I need. However, the road ahead is a long one. There are people I desperately want to make amends with, but I honestly don’t think they are on the same page. There are things I need to finally come to terms with, and I don’t know that I am ready. Getting back to any normal routine seems so left field at the moment. However, I want and need to try.
I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I think what happened months ago as bad as it hurt played out that way for a reason. I think the message I received today was for a reason. I think me being lost and depressed is for a reason. I even think that I’m still alive is for a reason because I can honestly say I don’t know what kept me from acting on my suicidal thoughts. There is some greater reason for the life we live, and we end up where we are destined to be no matter what path we go down. I think our paths have a purpose even if we don’t understand it.
I don’t know what will happen after today. There is no clear sight line to where I’m headed. I do know that it feels good to be honest about where I have been, and I am hoping it helps me move forward. The one clear goal I do have is to blog more regardless of how I am feeling. Life is not magically going to fix itself, but I can write even when times are tough. And I promise to be honest about what I am going through in life.
I know this post is all over the place, but I just wanted a chance to be honest about where I have been. This is my first try at fixing my depression for real rather than just pretending it isn’t there. And I hope you guys will continue this journey with me. Here’s to taking the right steps, and owning up to our shit.
Thanks for joining me with my rambles, I promise the next post will be a lighthearted review! Have a great night everyone.